Yes, we were extracting my husband out of the ground. Men were digging and we were  looking and waiting. It was snowing and very cold.

I was thinking: This is Spain? It is enough to make chicken laugh.

His sister was looking at me with wolf eyes and she was conversing with her husband’s ear.

I knew what she was saying: What is Arina, this Russian strumpet, doing here? This Russian strumpet killed my brother and now she watches they extract him out of the ground. 

I was thinking: Oh mamacheca, I am bad person, forgive your bad daughter for what she did.

Also I was thinking: Ey, Arina, what are you doing in this hell place?

And: I wish I am home in Russia now, with my mother in Pechory.

Guide book says Pechory is famous in whole world by ancient architectural ensemble and, as if  gold nut from fairy tale, is surrounded by fortress walls and towers. Pechory is the most beautiful place in the world. But, of course, as my mother says, every sandpiper praises his own swamp.

My mother is tourist guide in Pechory, my father died when I was baby. I hadn’t brothers and sisters, I was lone child. My mother is very very nice person. Very beautiful and very intelligent. She speaks English very very well. My mother very all good things. She teached me English. Also she was very good teacher.

But I wasn’t happy in Pechory. I had my mother and I had  my sweetheart, Yuri, but Pechory was small-size place and I was big-size place person. So with twenty years I decided go to Saint Petersburg.

Yuri says: Oh Arina, what you think you find out in Saint Petersburg?

My mother also didn’t like this.

She says: Oh Arina, you are always very fidgety, even when little you were never happy, you always look for you don’t know what you look for, you look for wind in  field.

But as we say in Russia, mother’s anger is like snow in Spring; it falls a lot and then quickly disappears.

Before I went to Saint Petersburg she says: Okay Arinuchka, you go and eat the world, eat and eat until you are full up.

And she presented me her Russian-English dictionary, what she specially liked. We learned many words here.

And she says: With this take my heart.

And my mother was  crying and Yuri was crying and I was crying and everybody was crying and I was thinking: I don’t know why I go, maybe I don’t go.

Yes, I went.

Ah, Saint Petersburg - Piter as we call it - I’m loving it. I found out job in Baltika brewery, second biggest brewery in Europe after Heineken, you know? I was so happy. Then I was fidgety again. Piter and Baltika now seemed small-size places.

I was thinking: Mamacheca is right, I am never happy, all is too small-size for me, I must become astronaut and travel to bigger planet.

She always laughed with this joke.

Then one day my life changed like night to day.

In Baltika I had good friend called Victoria. She was also fidgety, like me. Victoria told me about Russian Brides. This is place in Internet where Russian girls can find husband in other country.

But I don’t want husband in other country, I say, I don’t want husband in any country.

Victoria rotated her eyes and she says: Durechka! Idiot girl! This is wonderful opportunity. You want to stay in this small-size place all the life?

Victoria discovered English man in England, in place called Saint Mary in the Marsh. Big-size name. After she went she sent one letter, very short, and in it she says: This is very different from Saint Petersburg and all is very wonderful.

Lucky Victoria.

So I was thinking: Well, they don’t hit you in the nose for asking, maybe I can do this thing too, go to different country, have new life.

But then I was thinking: I don’t want to flaunt for husband, I don’t even want husband.

Difficult to decide. But as my mother says, person who sits between two chairs can fall down. So I decided: Okay, I do this. Maybe I’m lucky like Victoria.

I applied Russian Brides, Love and Marriage. I put my photograph in Internet and I waited. After a little time this Spanish man interested himself. His name was Camilo and he says he had enterprise in place called

Villanueva in South of Spain.

I was thinking: Ah, Spain! Sun! Beach!

Then I was thinking: But I can’t speak Spanish, and if this Camilo person is bad man?

Then I was thinking: Okay, I learn Spanish like I learn English, and if he is bad man, I return to Russia, no problem.

Yes, I went.

I say to my mother I go to Spain but I say nothing about Russian Brides and Camilo. When I arrived in Villanueva, oh surprise. Hot. Very very hot. My clothes, my hair, all was waterlogged.

I was thinking: This is hell, I arrive in hell.

Camilo’s enterprise was bar. Small-size bar, small-size town, big-size man. This was reverse of expected. Camilo seemed nice person, but he was so old.

I was thinking: Oh Arina, you leave Russia for this? Now what you do?

But no time to think because it was nearly out of bus, into office for wedding, all very quickly. Very strange wedding. There was Camilo, of course, and his sister Dolores and her husband Manolo. Dolores was extensive in all directions but her husband Manolo like small-size chicken.

In wedding, Camilo smiling and smiling, Manolo gaping me and Dolores with angry face. And all was in Spanish, I didn’t understand, only when everybody looked at me I nodded the head. Then everybody kissed me on my face twice and Manolo compressed my rear. 

Suddenly I was wife.

After wedding we went to flat. This was like burial chamber: dark – curtains were closed because it was very luminous outside – and all was brown and grey. Also statues of saints looking up at ceiling. We had party with bottle of wine and olives. I discovered that Dolores could speak English, a little.

She showed me bag of flour and she says: This Arina, this Arina.

Then I could understand Arina means flour in Spanish. She laughed very much with this. Camilo didn’t laugh, and Manolo was only gaping me, all the time gaping and gaping.

Camilo took glass of wine and Dolores wrenched glass and spoke a lot of Spanish, very fast, ta ta ta ta ta ta, like angry bird. Then she put wine in front of my face and she says: Bad for hair.

I looked at Camilo’s head. It was like hill in Siberia: unprolific.

I say: Wine made hair fall down?

And she says: Because doctor.

I was thinking: Oh, doctor treat Camilo and hair fall down.

So I say: Doctor made hair fall down?

And Dolores says: Doctor made  hair good.

So I say: Plant new hair?

And she says: Plant? What plant?

Then we didn’t speak more. Also I didn’t drink wine, I didn’t want that my hair fell down like Camilo’s.

When Dolores took flour to kitchen, Camilo quickly drank wine and Manolo compressed my rear. I wanted to cry and go home to my mother.

That night, we went to bedroom. 

I was thinking: Never I will sleep with this fat old man without hair, never, oh Arina you idiot girl, why you did this idiot thing?

I was crying and crying and Camilo sat beside me and tapped my back like I was dog. Then he went in his bed and I went in my bed and all night I was crying. 

I was thinking: I am alone in strange country with strange people, I return to Russia.

And all night Camilo was snorting. You can’t know how horrible was this night.

No, I didn’t return to Russia.

Because of what happened after.

Next day, big problems. We went to Camilo’s bar and he made breakfast. In Russia I ate kasha - this is porridge – but Camilo put bread with oil on. I looked at this and my stomach became higgledy piggledy. I like these words. Higgledy piggledy. Very funny. Higgledy…

What? Oh yes, sorry, I say: I can’t eat this.

And he says something in Spanish.

And I say: Nie panimayu - I don’t understand.

And he says: Que?

Then I showed with signals I didn’t want this and he took me to kitchen and I could understand to take food I wanted and I took bread and cheese, and he made coffee for me. This breakfast was very good and I was eating with great appetite and Camilo was watching me, very happy, like my mother watched me, same face.

I say: Mmm.

Camilo says: Ah.

This was our first real conversation. Now I was better. I was drinking coffee and looking round. Bar was small-size but nice. Cuddly, like home. On wall were photographs, some very old, of Camilo and other people working in this bar, all with same benevolent eyes, so I could understand this bar was in family for long time and they seemed good family. Also photograph of Camilo with hair and beautiful woman.

Suddenly, door crashed and Dolores entered, still with angry face.

I say: Hello.

But she didn’t speak.

Then I say: This is nice bar.

Dolores looked daggers and says: Bar estupid, Camilo estupid, persona can buy, mucho money, Camilo no no no.

And she made noise like pig. Camilo suspired, got up and went to kitchen, and Dolores followed, bellowing, and when he went out still she was bellowing and everywhere she was following and bellowing and Camilo only seemed sad.

I was thinking: Poor Camilo.

Dolores reminded goose we had in Pechory. Goose did same, always following and making noises and looking to bite. One day my mother killed goose and we ate him, but he wasn’t good. My mother says: Goose bad inside and outside, like some people.

When Dolores went out, bar was suddenly pacific. Camilo went to kitchen and started to make tapas, little pieces of food to eat with drinks. I always liked to cook, at home in Pechory I helped my mother in kitchen, so  I helped Camilo with cutting and agitating.

Now started my new life.

Camilo teached me to cook Spanish food, and I became expert of paella. This is rice with marine fauna inside. Also I cooked Russian food in bar – kapusta and borsch and kotlety - and this was very popular with customers. Camilo bought Spanish-Russian dictionary and conversation book, and we communicated with this, specially in kitchen when we were cooking, so books blemished with different foods. Now I discovered he had bad heart and not bad hair like Dolores says with her pronunciation. Also I discovered Dolores means pains in Spanish. This was correct because she was big pain in rear.

In Villanueva no Spanish teacher and no Russian teacher. Camilo had private English class, so also we were speaking some English words and some Spanish I learned.

Cool? What this means please?

Oh yes, nice, this was nice. Cool, yes, very cool.

Now I had my own room, very pretty. Also I decorated flat with many colours. Camilo liked this. Dolores? No, she looked daggers and she made noise like pig. Ay Dolores, always bellowing: Sell bar, sell bar.

I liked to work with Camilo in El Gordo – this was name of bar and it means the fat one. I was happy, only I missed my mother. Every night when I went to bed I kissed her face in photograph.

Name of bar was also nickname of Camilo, everybody called him El Gordo. For me he was like big-size friendly bear and I called him Mishka, teddy bear in Russian. He liked this.

Manolo, Dolores’s husband, I called Shvinia, pig, because he was always gaping me and closing one eye and compressing me when nobody was looking. One day, Mishka catched him in kitchen compressing my boob, and he was very angry and he slammed Manolo Shvinia on nose and never he compressed me again. Mishka looked after me like father.

Then one day I discovered very big-size defect of Camilo.

Always I was  curious about photograph in bar of Camilo with hair and beautiful woman.

One day, when he was out, I say to Dolores: Oye, Dolores.

And she says: What, fulana?

She always says fulana when speaking to me, sister-in-law in Spanish.

And I say: Who is beautiful woman, fulana?

Dolores says: Wife, fulana.

I say: Where is other wife, fulana?

And she seemed angry and she says: Kill.

This was bomb out of the blue.

I say: Camilo killed other wife?

And she says: Kill, kill.

And she seemed angry, always she seemed angry, always with  angry face. Yes, pain in rear.

So now I had problem.

Camilo seemed nice quiet person but as my mother says, it is still waters that are inhabited by devils.

I was thinking: Camilo killed first wife, so why he isn’t in prison?

Then I was thinking: Maybe he was in prison before and now he is outside. And then I was thinking: If he killed first wife, he can kill second wife too, remember how he slammed Manolo Shvinia’s nose when angry? Maybe he can slam my nose if angry with me?

Yes, I was afraid. When we were serving in bar and cooking in kitchen I didn’t want to communicate. Now it wasn’t cool.

I was thinking: If I say incorrect thing he slams my nose.

Camilo was looking at me and looking at me with strange eyes.

I was thinking: Maybe if I don’t communicate he becomes angry and slams my nose.

So I communicated, but still he was looking at me with strange eyes.

Then I was thinking: Okay, I return to Russia.

No, I didn’t return.

Why? Because then many things happened.

Finally I decided ask him about first wife, see what he says.

I pointed to photograph in bar and I say: Tu esposa? – Your wife?

Camilo didn’t answer.

Then I say: Que paso? – What happened?

Camilo looked at me with strange face, then he went into kitchen.

I was thinking: Well, he didn’t slam my nose, I’m lucky.

After this it was horrible. Horrible. We didn’t communicate, and Camilo was always with uptight face. Then, after few days, there was another bomb out of the blue.

One evening, we were in bar and suddenly Camilo says: We close.

I was surprised because it was only nine o’clock and usually we closed at twelve o’clock or one o’clock.

So I say: Why?

Camilo didn’t answer and he was only with uptight face.

Then he says: We go at home.

And I say: Why? 

He didn’t answer.

I say: I don’t want to go home.

Then he seemed angry and he took my arm and he says: We go at home, now.

Then I say: Okay, okay, we go home.

And I was thinking: Ay, he wants to slam my nose, maybe he wants to kill me like first wife. Oh mamacheka, I’m sorry, you were correct, I’m idiot, I never see you again.

And I was crying a little.

Then I was thinking: Maybe he doesn’t want to kill me, why he wants to kill me when I don’t do nothing?

When we arrived in flat Camilo gave me letter. With my hands vibrating I took it and  here I read that this was written by his English teacher, that Camilo was speaking in Spanish and his teacher was translating into English.

This is letter, look.

In letter Camilo says: You asked about the woman in the photograph. Yes, she was my wife. Her name was Lola. She was very beautiful and I loved her very much. We were very happy together, and then she got cancer and died when she was only thirty years old. This was twenty years and two months ago. When she died it was like the end of the world for me. I didn’t want to go on living. You see, she was the love of my life and I always thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. We wanted to have children who could one day work in our bar, like my father and his father, but no children came along. So now I was alone. My only family are Dolores and Manolo, but you know what they’re like. You must understand I was very lonely and very sad. My friend Victor, who owns a cybercafe, told me about Russian Brides. I didn’t want to do it but Victor finally persuaded me. I chose you because of your kind eyes in the photograph, you seemed like a nice person. And I was right, you are a nice person. My dear Arinita, you have changed my life, you are the daughter I always wanted. I thought I would never be happy again, but you have made me happy. I hope I also make you a little happy.

At the end of letter was message from his teacher: He doesn’t know I’m writing this bit. He’s worried you might leave him and go back to your country. I urge you most strongly not to do this. He is a truly lovely person who cares deeply about you.

When I finished letter, Camilo says, in Russian: Ty moyo solnyshko – You are my sun.

I put my arms round him and he put his arms round me and we were hugging and hugging and crying and crying.

I was thinking: When Dolores says kill, she confused with die or she wanted to make problems?

I decided this second thing, because one day I saw fulana in dictionary, what she always called me, and here I saw this was not sister-in-law but strumpet, so all the time she was calling me strumpet and I was calling her strumpet, and we were fighting and I didn’t know. As my mother says: Beware of goat from front side, beware of horse from back side, beware of bad person from every side.

I was thinking: I beware of Dolores from every side now, and I call her Baba Yaga, witch.

Camilo extracted bottle of vodka and two glasses out of cupboard.

We took glasses and I say: Vashe zrovie!

And he says: Vashe zrovie!

And we drank vodka hole in one. Again, Vashe zrovie! Vashe zrovie! 

Then he presented me CD called A Medley Of Troikas. Troika is Russian dance where one man dances with two women and they imitate prancing of horses pulling sled.

And I say: Oh Mishka, thank you, gracias.

He was smiling, and he put on CD and more vodka.

Then he says: Salud!

And I say: Salud!

And we drank. Then, more vodka.

I say: Cheers!

And he says: Cheers!

In this minute, doorbell sounded and Dolores Baba Yaga says: Camilo! Que haces? – What are you doing?

He made music louder and she beat door and says a lot of Spanish and he made music more louder and we drank more vodka and we were flapping heads and banging feet with music.

Then I say: Come on, Mishka, dance.

And then we were prancing not like horses but like lunatic people, and more vodka and vashe cheers! and salud zrovie! and ha ha ha and all the time Dolores was beating door and bellowing.

Then I say: Troika is dance for three people, tres personas, invito Dolores to dance?

And he was laughing and laughing and suddenly he fell down, dead.

I jumped to him and I say: Mishka, Mishka, and I was crying and my heart was banging and Troika was blasting and I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t think and I ran to door and opened and Dolores entered and she looked at Camilo on floor with big-size smile on his face and dead eyes and she looked at vodka and she says: You kill my brother, fulana.

And I was thinking: This is true, I killed him, why I say dance when I know he has bad heart? Why I didn’t stop vodka? I’m idiot idiot idiot. Oh, poor Mishka.

I’m sorry, but when I remember…

No, no, I have handkerchief here, thank you…

Sorry…

Yes, I’m okay now, thank you.

After funeral, I went to flat. It was empty and silent. I was alone…

Sorry…no, I’m okay, thank you.

I was thinking: I have nothing here now, I return to Russia.

No, I didn’t return.

Because of bar, El Gordo.

Camilo loved bar, and if I returned to Russia Dolores could sell bar so they destroy it and make flats. I was like his daughter, but in legality I was his wife, so bar was mine. I had to to save bar.

After one week I opened El Gordo again. It was nice, like I returned home, but it was lonesome without Camilo. I looked at dictionaries and conversation books with blemishes of food and I had sensation of heavy stone inside my chest.

First person in bar was Manolo Shvinia. He was construction worker but he didn’t have job, so always he was in bar, gaping and gaping and closing one eye and compressing me like before, and he never paid drinks and food. If I didn’t want to give him drinks and food he took them. Once, Victor, Camilo’s friend who had cybercafé, saw Manolo Shvinia do this and he was very angry and he says a lot of Spanish to him I didn’t understand. Victor was Rambo-type person and Manolo only small-size chicken.

To me Victor says: Tell me if he bothers you, Arinita, okay?

He speaked English very well. After this, Manolo Shvinia didn’t go in bar.

So, every day I worked in bar and every evening I returned to flat.

No, I wasn’t happy. I was like robot. Work, sleep. On, off. On, off. No, I couldn’t return to Russia, I couldn’t leave bar.

Then one day all changed.

Dolores Baba Yaga crashed into bar and says: Where is decimo?

Decimo is lottery ticket.

I say: Decimo?

She made noise like pig and she says: Loteria! El Gordo!

Then I remembered that today was twenty-second of December, important day in Spain, day of Christmas lottery called El Gordo, the fat one, because of big-size prizes.

I say: Que decimo? No tengo decimo -  I don’t have decimo.

She made noise like pig again and she rotated her eyes and she seemed like she wanted to explode and she says: El decimo de Camilo.

Then I also remembered that a long time ago Camilo showed me decimo and says to me that every year he bought same number but this number never won and this year it was present for me. I didn’t know where he put it and I forgot it.

So I say: No sé donde está – I don’t know where it is.

Then I say: Why?

She turned on television where lottery was showing and there I could see  numbers that won and she put vibrating finger on first number and she says: El decimo de Camilo.

Camilo’s decimo won El Gordo.

I was struck with thunder.

Then I was thinking: Poor Camilo, he couldn’t see that his decimo finally won.

Then I heard crash in kitchen.

I went to see and my nice kitchen was all higgledy-piggledy and Dolores was crashing things like lunatic woman, and all the time: Donde está? Donde está? – Where is it? She lost all marbles completely. Then she took my handbag and started casting all out. I tried to stop her and I put my hand on her arm.

I say: Oye, Dolores…

But she pushed me – she was very big-size woman and in this moment like angry tiger – and I reversed and crashed on shelf and paella pan fell down on my head, boom, and all was black.

When I opened my eyes, Dolores was disappeared and I had pain in head.

I continued sitting on floor a little bit, then I say: Oh no! because I remembered that she had key of flat. After Camilo died always she went inside and used what she wanted, like this was her flat and I wasn’t there. So I closed bar and ran to flat. Too late. Flat was downside up.

No, she didn’t find out decimo.

Because every day she was following me and bellowing: Donde está? Donde está? Where is it?

I was thinking: Soon I also lose my marbles.

I looked for decimo, but it was disappeared. Then Victor went in bar and says to me that he heard Dolores had idea Camilo had decimo in pocket of suit, in coffin, and next day they extract him out of the ground.

I was thinking: Poor Camilo, even when he is dead and can’t protect himself still she follows him.

Then I was thinking: Don’t worry, Mishka, I go and protect you.

So, they were extracting him out of the ground. It was horrible, horrible. I was vibrating and I was trying to think of other things. It was very cold and snowing.

I was thinking: And this is Spain? It is enough to make chicken laugh.

They opened coffin and we could see Camilo still with big-size smile on his face. My dear Mishka. Dolores plundered his pockets, but no decimo. Then she saw he had one hand closed. She took hand and tried to open finger but it was hard, so crack! she broke it. I say: No, and I jumped on her to stop her but Manolo Shvinia captured me, and crack! and I was crying, no no, and crack! and Manolo Shvinia was compressing my rear, then I could escape and I ran to flat and I was thinking: I’m sorry, Mishka, I couldn’t stop her, and I was thinking: I return to Russia, please forgive me, Mishka, I can’t stay in this hell place more.

I put my clothes in suitcase, crying and crying, and I was thinking: No, I can’t leave bar. And I was thinking: But I can’t stay in this hell place.

I took my passport and I remembered last time I saw it was when I arrived here, and I opened it. Inside was decimo

I sat down on bed. I was struck with thunder.

Now what I do? Give half money to Dolores? But she wanted all money. Take money and return to Russia? But she was his sister. But he presented me decimo, for this he put it in my passport, specially he knew he had bad heart and he was thinking if he dies he knows I have decimo. But return and leave bar? All day I was thinking and thinking.

Then I had good idea.

I bought camera and took many photographs of bar, inside and outside. Then I packaged all in bar - tables, chairs, photographs, plates, glasses, everything, and I arranged send this to Pechory. Uf, it was very difficult, many many papers, very very expensive, much time, but finally I did it.

Dolores? Always she was following and bellowing. So I asked Victor protect me like bodyguard, and for this I paid him. He didn’t want money, but I arm-twisted.

Yes, now I returned to Russia.

I couldn’t leave bar so I took bar with me and left empty building for Dolores. As we say in Russia: The wolves are full, the sheep intact. Everybody happy.

In Pechory I built bar exactly same as bar in Villanueva, exactly same. Also I married Yuri, my sweetheart. We are very very happy.

So now you know, dear tourists, why our bar here is called El Gordo.

Yes, these are same photographs on wall. Camilo, his wife, his parents, his grandparents. Also photograph of Yuri and me.

Due? What this means please?

Oh yes, I am fat one now. Baby born next month. He is boy and we call him Camilo, like his Spanish grandfather.

No, I’m not fidgety any more.

You know, we say in Russia: Sometimes life is empty, sometimes life is full. Now life is big-size with good things. It’s cool.

 

 

 

© Krystyna Smallman 2008 reproduced by permission of the author